E23 | Why Am I Still Stuck? | I Never Got My Why Series - Part 1

Why can’t I move on… even when I know the relationship is over?

In this first episode of the I Never Got My Why series, I explore the emotional and spiritual exhaustion of living inside unanswered questions. 

If you’ve ever wrestled with heartbreak, grief, disappointment, emotional looping, or wondering why God allowed something painful to happen, this episode is for you.

Through honest storytelling, biblical reflection, and emotional truth-telling, we talk about:

• functioning publicly while grieving privately
• why heartbreak can become part of your identity
• the gap between what the mind knows and what the heart can hold
• Moses at the burning bush
• El Roi, the God who sees
• why asking “why” is not weak faith

This episode is not about quick answers.

It’s about learning how to stay honest with God in the middle of pain.

FREE COMPANION GUIDE TO THE SERIES:
I Never Got My Why: What I Got Was Better

Transcript

Speaker 0:01

I remember standing in my kitchen asking a question I already knew nobody was going to answer. Why? Just why? Over and over, like if I said it enough times, something would finally make sense. The coffee was brewing, the dishes were still in the sink, everything around me completely ordinary, and I was standing in the middle of a completely undone. I wish I could tell you I handled that season beautifully. I didn't. Sometimes I was just reheating the same cup of coffee for the third time asking God the exact same question again. Why did this happen? Why did this hurt so much? Why couldn't I just let it go? That was the beginning of the longest conversation I've ever had with a question Welcome to I Never Got My Why. My name is Tenille Martinez, and this is The Living Story podcast. This series is 10 episodes, and together, we are going to walk from the question all the way through to what I now call the for what. Not because the why finally got answered, but because something arrived in its place that I could not have planned for myself. If you are in a season where the question feels louder than everything else, this series is for you. we are going to take it slow, and we're gonna be honest, and we're going to open the Word together, not to explain away your pain, but to remind you that the people who came before us asked hard questions, too, and God stayed anyway. There is a kind of question that doesn't wait for a good time. It's not the question you sit down to think about. For me, sometimes it found me standing in front of a classroom full of middle schoolers trying to pretend I was completely okay. Kids who had celebrated my relationship, kids who had already planned my wedding in their heads, and meanwhile, my actual life was quietly falling apart, which honestly taught me something important very early. you can be functioning publicly while grieving privately. It is the one that finds you in the middle of an ordinary day, driving to work, folding laundry, standing in line at Publix, which is our grocery store here in Florida, lying awake at two in the morning Hearing a song you thought you were finally over, and suddenly the question is there again. Why did this happen? Why did he leave? Why did she say that? Why did God let this go on for so long? Why can't anyone just choose me? And maybe for you it was not a breakup. Maybe it was a friendship that quietly disappeared. The opportunity that never came. The season that stretched longer than you expected. The prayer you thought God would answer differently. The family tension that keeps reopening every time you think it's finally healed. But somehow the ache underneath it feels familiar. I want to ask you something, and I want you to sit with it honestly. When you ask why, what are you really asking? Because I spent a long time thinking I was asking about the question, about the situation. I thought I was asking about the relationship or the job or the friendship or the season that wouldn't end. I thought if I could just get the answer to the circumstance, the pain would finally stop. But the loop didn't stop. Even when circumstances changed, the question came back. Different situation, same ache, same why. And one day, quietly, without me planning it, something shifted. I stopped mid-question, and I realized the why was never really about him. It was about me and what I believed about myself And honestly, I think that was the part that scared me the most. Because once I realized there was a question underneath the question, I could no longer pretend the pain was only about what happened to me. Some part of it was about the story I had quietly started believing about myself. That realization didn't fix everything overnight, but it was the first honest thing I had said to myself in a very long time. And maybe this is important to say here. The fact that you are asking why is not evidence of weak faith. It's evidence that you are fully present in your own pain. It means you are not numb. It means you have not checked out. It means something inside you still believes the story matters. That's not weakness. that's a woman who is still here. And honestly, I think it's-- I think that's why I keep coming back to Moses lately. Because Moses at the burning bush didn't get an explanation. He got a direction. God didn't show up and say, "Here is the full reason your people have suffered for four hundred years. Here is why I waited this long. Here is the complete explanation for all of it." No. God said, "I have seen. I have heard. I know. Go." And I think sometimes we want explanations when God is offering presence. one of the strangest parts of my story is that the relationship that broke my heart is also the relationship that brought me to the church, where I finally encountered God differently. Which means even now, I cannot tell my story honestly without acknowledging that heartbreak and healing arrived holding hands. I didn't understand that at that time. at the time, I was just hurting. But looking back now, I can see that some of the places I thought my life was ending were actually the places God was quietly introducing me to himself. Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for the good of those who love God. And I believe that deeply. But I also want to be direct with you. That verse is not an explanation. It's a promise. And promises live in the future, not in the middle of pain. Moses didn't get to see the entire story while Standing at the burning bush. And neither do we. But God saw him there. And maybe that matters more than we realize. El Roi, the God who sees. We are not fully stepping into Hagar's story until episode three, but I want you to carry that name with you from the very beginning of this series. The God who sees. Not the God who explains. The God who sees. Here is what I know about the why season. It doesn't ask permission. It doesn't check your schedule. It doesn't wait until you are emotionally prepared or spiritually mature enough to handle it. It just comes. And when it comes, the people around you usually mean well. They send the encouraging texts. They quote the scripture. They remind you God has a plan. And honestly, sometimes you even know they are right. You nod in church or sitting across from the friend trying so hard to comfort you. And then later that night, you're brushing your teeth, staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror, asking the exact same question all over again. Because the mind can hold the right answer while the heart is still sitting on the kitchen floor. That gap between your mind knows and what your heart can emotionally hold is not failure. It is just where you are right now. And we are going to spend the series sitting in that gap not rushing through it, not spiritually bypassing it, not pretending the question means something is wrong with you. The question is evidence that you're alive, that you feel, that some part of you still believes this story is worth understanding. And we're going to walk through it together. And before we close today, I want to leave you with this. Some women are no longer living in the relationship. They are living in the story the relationship created. And maybe this series is really about finally learning how to see that story clearly Because if we don't, what I have experienced in the past is just years of heartache and unnecessary pain. And before I let you go today, I wanna make sure that you know what's available to you. I created something for the woman who is still sitting in the question. It is called I Never Got My Why It's a guide, and it's completely free. It's a companion to this series, something to hold in your hands while you listen and reflect. The link is in the show notes. And if you wanna continue this conversation beyond the podcast, come find me on Substack. I write there every week, and some things are easier to say in writing than out loud. The link for that is in the show notes too. And one more thing. Along this series, I'm hosting a free Zoom Bible study for women who want to open the Word together in the community. Not performing healing, not pretending to have everything figured out. Just to show up as you are and study scripture with other women In the middle of something too. If you are listening in real time, the registration link is below. And if you're finding this series later, check the links anyway because there is usually something open. There is always a seat for you here. I'll be back Thursday with episode two when why becomes a room you live in. Come back. I'll be here. and before you leave, I want you to know that you are seen even here, even now, even in the why